5/21/09 - Rain

They all say it's dangerous, no doubt it is.
That even then, with all the thunder and lighting, i cant help but sit in the big couch at the front of the house, staring directly into the street.

it's raining, hard.

and even though they say the big tall trees that loom in front of the drive way, as if protecting the house from all danger, will be the first to know the sting of the lightning, i cant help but wonder, and think to myself, statistics cant always be right.

It's a storm outside, wind,and rain, and thunder, and of course ligthning. thought it is majestic, and hold a beauty of its own, i know what hides within it, past the blue and white dazzle of it's treacherous mask, danger.

They tell me it's dangerous, but i cant help feeling the need to stand, and slip outside, slowly and very sneaky like a fox, to take my chances standing in the middle of the street, where no tall trees can shield my body, where the powerful wind can whip the tiny drops of rain into me, and where thunder can boom at me from high above, as if warning that it brings danger with it's loud beastly roar.
Take my chances i think, with the powerful lightning, fast and deadly, majestic and beautiful in it's own way, and breathtakingly dangerous. i cant help but wonder what it would feel like, if perhaps on accident i were to find myself a little lost tonight, i wonder if i would feel the pain. if i would remember my deepest darkest thoughts, and feel once more before my heart exploded in my chest, a great and beautiful love.

They tell me the wind, and rain, and thunder, and most of all the lightning are dangerous, but i find the wondering most dangerous of all.

5/16/09 - I've Finally Realized

Im in love with her, but it is not you, though it may look like you on the outside, by all means resemble you on the outside, physically of course it is you, but I don't love you, my love is for her. I never realized how it was staring me in the face, they say people change, I've never believed that, but you once told me so yourself, you said that you've changed, and I turned a blind eye to it.
I see now that I was wrong and you, like so many other times were right, it is not you I love, not this person you have become, this thing you call yourself,this imposter. It was her, indeed you are as beautiful, physically, if not more, but the things I loved of you are gone now, lost or perhaps hidden deep inside, but love to me was not the physicalality of you, it was what you were made of, your beliefs, your values, your inner child, your innocence, and that,you have seen to it, was destroyed.
Its like a million pound weight has been lifted from within me, I finally realize the things one fights for when in love, only become clear with time. It was then that I would have given my life for you, though I dare say that is still so, it was then that anything you wished for would have been yours, though you would have fought me no doubt against it, it was then that you loved me equally if not more than I did you.

So I realize now, it was then that you will live in my head and my heart, it was then that you were the most precious thing I have ever known, and will ever know, it was then that I chose to love you forever, and although we have gone our separate ways, it is then that you live on for me, but it is now, that I feel I must tell you, I hate what you've become.

5/16/09 - She is The One

She is the one
The one who hides from her past
The one who puts on her facade each and every morning
The worlds best actress.
She lives her life as if her past didn't happen, she smiles when things hurt, and laughs when she feels like crying, she is sad inside, but doesn't show it. She is the one who goes through her day, thinking about her past, and the stupid choices she made. She goes on living, if it can be called that, happy on the outside, dying on the inside. She is the one who answers no when someone asks if she's ever been in love. Her days are happy and cheerful, noone is the wiser.
Her nights however, are dreadful, she dreams the past she hides so well, memories she tries to forget, not because of the pain, but because she feels the need to punish herself. She cries most nights, until she falls asleep, slow sad tears stream her face, she hides it well, making no noise, but inside she is screaming. And on those days, when she answers no, her dreams are the worst, his face fills her mind, his voice fills her ears, and their memories become hers again.
She is the one
The one that loves no more.

5/15/09 - Love Me?

On nights like this, when I get home late, exhausted, and weary, nothing pleases me more than to find you asleep in our bed. No matter how tired I am, I can't help to lay next to you, and watch you sleep for a few minutes, the relaxed look on your face, the faint smell of your perfume, puts me to sleep with a smile on my face, and only one question in my mind, will you still love me tomorrow?

On days like this, when the sky is dark, the clouds are gray, and the sun shines bright, it makes me wonder if god can't make up his mind. A gentle peaceful view, as if he cannot decide on sun or rain, and in those clouds, surrounded by the brightest sunlight, I see your face, as if god is sure of one thing, the sun shines bright, It brings a smile to my face and I know today will be a good day.but I hope that maybe you'll still love me tomorrow?

5/7/09 - Everything Is Changing

My world is changing, and not for the better. The things I once knew are gone, people, friends, family, everything isn't how it used to be. I look around and don't recognize anything the same, I fear for the future. People I once cared about are becoming filth, decisions made in the spur of the moment are affecting their lives. People I used to love o hardly recognize anymore, people I despised give me more reason to. Did I make a bad decision? Why can't I seem to be where I want?

5/4/09 - Her Book

When she got tired of all the bad things, of all the nights spent awake crying in bed, remembering the bad relationships she's had so many of, the endless days spent doubting good things, she laid on her floor with a book in her hand.

A book she'd started a long time ago when things were decent and she had hope for herself. A long time had passed since then and page after page was filled with names and numbers, each bringing back memories she'd rather forget, faces she'd long hoped not to see again, and pain from mistakes she'd unintentionally made. After what seemed like many hours passed by, time spent feeling down, saddened by the many bad relationships she'd put herself through, she stumbled, quite accidently, upon a single piece of folded yellow paper nudged in between two pages. This opened to reveal yet another name and number, this particular name and number however was very different from the rest, in that she felt saddened by this memory only because it was perhaps the only one of all that made her sad because she had let him go, he had been the one good memory of the bunch

5/1/09 - What If?

What if I cried? Where would you be with your words of comfort? What if I cut myself? Where would your gentle hands be to fix me up? What if I killed myself? Would you even care? Would you maybe shed a tear or would you just think it a shame and feel nothing else. What if I sleep, and wake up with nothing on my mind, not even you. Would you wonder where you want? And why you don't dominate my thoughts again? What if I asked you once more, to tell me you care? What if you didn't? What if I moved away without a word and never spoke to you again? Would you lie awake at night wondering where I was, and if you might be on my mind? What if you didn't care? Would I need to exist anymore? What if I felt alone? And turned to you and you weren't there? What if I still loved you? What if .........