Sunday, April 26, 2009

4/26/09 - Empty Inside

Lately I feel cold inside, even on days when the sun is up and shining bright. I feel like I've lost my motivation, school doesn't seem important, its distant, like a dream or a memory im having a hard time remembering. I wonder if it will come back, my will to live, because honestly life's dull without it.
I've been thinking of school, it doesn't seem important, its as if I don't want it, it's gotten confusing and I find myself thinking is this something I really want to do with my life? Then I tell myself to think of all the time and money I've already put into it, and how much of a waste it 0would be to just stop going.
Im not social, but that's nothing new, people interest me,but I think id rather watch than interact, close friends dissappear, again nothing new. I think perhaps a new life is something im looking for, but let's face it, that's not happening anytime soon.
I think of love and hate, and how much they go hand in hand, I feel I've lost my love, like the sense to love has disappeared from her, but im scared that if I try and fight for it back, I may instead be fighting to push it away instead. Why is it that the one thing you want the most of you must have the least of? Why is it that if you can't except that little bit then you can't have any at all? The things that matter the most to me in life aren't clear right now, I know what I want, but there's a difference between the things one wants, and the things one needs, I wish I could have a moment of clarity, I wish I could just understand

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